A Woman’s Guide For Help

Crisis Assistance

Hospitals

Women’s Shelters

Victim Support:

Children’s Aid Society of Haldimand & Norfolk

Sexual Assault Services

Definition of Sexual Assault

Sexual Assault is any sexual contact without consent, including sexual contact by a woman’s intimate partner. It is estimated that one in four Canadian women will be sexually assaulted during her lifetime. Sexual assault includes unwanted kissing, fondling, oral sex, vaginal or anal intercourse, raping with an object, forcing a person to touch someone’s genitals, threats of physical harm to her or someone else if she refuses sexual demands.

Consent is voluntarily agreeing to engage in sexual activity. Under Canadian law, there is no consent when:

• it is given by someone other than the woman herself
• she is incapable of consenting, i.e. impaired by alcohol or drugs or cognitive incapacity
• the accused uses their position of trust, power, or authority
• she says “no”, by her words or behaviour, i.e. “I don’t feel like it”, crying, her words or actions show that she does not want to continue to engage in sexual activity, ie. “I don’t want to go any further”, moving away from the person, etc..

Suggestions For Service Providers Initial Contact

• Identify yourself and your role; give her your business card and/or badge number
• Ask if you can talk to her about the situation
• Assure her that you understand that this is difficult for her

Create a safe, private, and comfortable environment that facilitates communication by:

• offering her a support person of her choice
• placing yourself at eye level
• keeping your voice calm and quiet
• respecting her personal space
• where needed and available, offering an interpreter, referrals and material in her own language

Let her control the intervention wherever possible:

• do not touch her unless invited
• find out where she would be comfortable speaking with you
• allow her to take breaks when needed

Explain to her what will happen with the information she gives you, for example:

Believe her. Be careful about your preconceived ideas about a woman’s reactions. Everyone reacts differently to an assault. Some women may have seemingly no response

Validate and normalize her reactions and feelings

Outline her choices, giving realistic and accurate information about the possible implications of each choice

• information/records that may be used in court
• rights and limitations of confidentiality as required by your organization, reporting to supervisor, reporting to Children’s Aid Society

Am I Being Abused?

Definition of Sexual Assault

Sexual Assault is any sexual contact without your permission or consent*, including sexual contact by your intimate partner.

* Consent is voluntarily agreeing to engage in sexual activity.

You may be abused, or at high risk of abuse if you:

• Are frightened of your partner’s temper
• Often give in because you are afraid to hurt your partner’s feelings or are afraid to make your partner feel jealous.
• Have the urge to “rescue” your partner when troubled.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or to others for your partner’s behaviour.
• Have been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you when your partner was jealous or angry.
• Make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants, or how your partner will react.
• Drink heavily or use drugs, (or your partner does).
• Have a partner who uses the children to try to control or upset you.
• Are afraid of being criticized or put down, called names, or embarrassed in front of others by your partner.
• Have a partner who has trouble expressing feelings appropriately, and takes out anger on you or others.
• Are forced by your partner into any unwanted sexual activities or are called any sexually degrading names.
• Have a partner who believes that it is his/her role to be in charge.
• Have been abused as a child or have witnessed your mother endure abuse (some people).

• Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
• Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
• Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
• If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
• Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you feel uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of an excuse to exit the situation quickly.

Everyone has rights in a relationship. You have THE RIGHT:

• To trust yourself and your instincts
• To be respected as a person
• To change your mind
• To express your feelings
• To refuse a date
• To not be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused
• To break up with someone who makes you feel bad
• To just say “No!”

If your partner is abusive:

• Speak to a counsellor or crisis line (HNWS – 1-800-265-8076) to learn about ways to stay safe while in the relationship, or if you are thinking about breaking up with your partner.
• Memorize a crisis line number (HNWS – 1-800-265-8076) and keep your cell phone charged; you can always call 911 even if you have no minutes/time.
• Develop a code word with friends/family that lets them know you are in trouble.

After leaving an abusive relationship, it is important to STAY safe:

• Mix up your schedule to discourage stalking. Walk with friends.
• Block your ex partner and their friends on your social networking sites and messenger (like Facebook and MSN).
• Consider a no – contact order from the police/court.
• Change your cell number or have your provider block your ex’s number.

Adapted from the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

Like stress, jealousy can be dealt with in healthy or unhealthy ways.

Healthy:  examining your feelings and where they come from and sharing your feelings with your partner.

Unhealthy: telling your partner they must stop doing things that ‘make you jealous’.

• Jealousy is often related to feelings about yourself- sometimes doing things to increase your confidence like joining clubs and teams, seeing a counsellor, journaling about your strengths and spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself can help to build self esteem. This can help if your jealousy is related to feelings about not being good enough for your partner.
• Talk about it with your partner- but in a way where you take  responsibility for your feelings and actions, not asking your partner to stop spending time with certain people.
• Try to build trust in your relationship: Often jealousy is an indicator that you don’t trust your partner. Recognize you do not need to trust everyone not to flirt with your partner – you only need to trust that your partner will reject any advances.

Signs that you or your partner’s jealousy may be a problem include: feeling out of control, destructive behaviour, controlling behaviour (like telling your partner they cannot hang out with friends of the opposite sex or exes), and lack of responsibility of choices and actions.

A relationship full of control is a relationship out of control

If you are being controlled, speak to your STAR counsellor through student services or contact the Haldimand & Norfolk Women’s Services Crisis Line at:

1-800-265-8076

Myths About Abuse

How to Leave

Crisis/Support Line: 1-800-265-8076
TTY: 1-800-815-6419
Business Line: 519-426-8048
Direct Line: 519-428-4295
Fax: 519-426-8654
Email: hnws@hnws.on.ca Creating A Safety Plan

It is important to know that although you do not have control over your (ex)partner’s violence, it is possible to increase your own as well as your children’s safety when experiencing abuse. Creating a safety plan involves mapping out action steps to increase your safety and prepare in advance for the possibility of further violence. This information offers many support options and ideas which you may implement; however, don’t try to do everything right away. Take it a step at a time and start with the ideas which seem most workable for you.

In creating a safety plan it is important to remember that:

• Although you cannot control your (ex)partner’s violence, it may be possible to increase your own and your children’s safety
• A safety plan is needed whenever the potential for abuse is identified
• This safety plan information is specifically designed for actions that you can take to increase your safety and the safety of your children
• It is important to become familiar with and to review and/or revise your safety plan regularly. Abusive situations and risk factors can change quickly

Remember:

Many women have escaped and survived abusive situations. This information package was put together by women who have survived abuse and by shelter counsellors and other professionals. Please feel free to share with a counsellor at Haldimand & Norfolk Women’s Services, any changes or additions that you believe should be made to this safety plan.

Emotional Safety Plan

It is important to know that although you do not have control over your (ex)partner’s violence, it is possible to increase your own as well as your children’s safety when experiencing abuse. Creating a safety plan involves mapping out action steps to increase your safety and prepare in advance for the possibility of further violence. This information offers many support options and ideas which you may implement; however, don’t try to do everything right away. Take it a step at a time and start with the ideas which seem most workable for you.

In creating a safety plan it is important to remember that:

• Although you cannot control your (ex)partner’s violence, it may be possible to increase your own and your children’s safety
• A safety plan is needed whenever the potential for abuse is identified
• This safety plan information is specifically designed for actions that you can take to increase your safety and the safety of your children
• It is important to become familiar with and to review and/or revise your safety plan regularly. Abusive situations and risk factors can change quickly

Remember:

Many women have escaped and survived abusive situations. This information package was put together by women who have survived abuse and by shelter counsellors and other professionals. Please feel free to share with a counsellor at Haldimand & Norfolk Women’s Services, any changes […]